As I stared into the fire
by Mimblewimble
Summary: Remus thinks about the past and how much his friends had meant to him. Tonks drops by and talks to Remus about the very thing he feared. ONESHOT


Disclaimer: Yeah... well... I wish I owned Harry Potter... -mutters- _and someday... I WILL! MUAHAHAHAH-!_ -cough-

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I sat alone by the fire, sighing as I moved a bit, possibly for the first time in an hour or so. A voice broke me from my thoughts. 

"Remus, you should eat something, I don't suppose you're getting a lot down there." Molly Weasly said, smiling and trying to make it a bit more light hearted around everyone.

I smiled and shook my head "Thank you anyways, Molly." I said kindly. Always the polite one, I was. I stared back into the fire, going back into my thinking mode. I was glad for her kindness, the summer holidays had just started and everyone should be here soon, the boys and Ginny were outside at the moment and the house was too quiet.

I had to admit to myself though, it was getting harder and harder to look at Harry with every passing day. I knew that Harry, however much he looked like James, wasn't him and hardly acted like him, except that small flair for breaking the rules, and his outstanding loyalty.

So am I it? Only me? I am the last remaining Marauder..

It seemed so long ago that we were so carefree and fun, walking around Hogwarts late at night, plotting what to do for the next full moon, wondering other ways to torment the Slytherins. I was always there, to make sure things didn't get too out of hand.

I was never one to cause trouble, I had fun, no doubt about that. James and Sirius were the trouble-makers, I often helped them, but much preferred the sidelines.

So what had happened? How could such friendships go so horribly wrong? Was it Voldemort? Or was it that we had not been such best friends as we thought.

First to go was Peter... we noticed small things about him. Mostly around when Lily was pregnant. He started spending more time alone, more time away from them. More time 'working' that they had never bothered to see what it really was. When Harry was born things got even more strange. Peter came over a lot to see James and Lily, but mostly he came to see Harry. He never smiled a lot, and if he did, it was faked. He seemed to want to know a lot about Harry, to see if he was special.

Then they went into hiding... of course, I was automatically ruled out to be the secret-keeper for them. They never told me why, but I knew why instantly.

I was a werewolf...

No matter how best friends we could be, it didn't change what I was...

The monster I was.

It was even worse that there was a werewolf out there who worked for Voldemort, not much older then myself. His killings were brutal and he enjoyed them... even in his human form he's a horrible beast.

So I was ruled out. I never really asked why, part of me didn't want to hear the truth. The times were so hard and scary that those who heard I was a werewolf were frightened to even look at me.

But they still stood by me... their smiles weren't fake and their jokes were as friendly as ever.

And then it happened... I remember it so clearly... I guess it's imprinted in my brain for life...

I was sitting down at the table and sighed, it was pretty early in the morning after Halloween. He lived pretty far away from everyone. He tried living in a small community once (Sirius' idea of course) and no sooner had I gotten unpacked that there were complaints of me living. I knew that if they had even the slightest hint that I could have been a death eater, I would be thrown in Azakaban, or worse... the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures would have to deal with me.

There was a tapping at the small window and I looked over to see a tawny owl with a newspaper. "What the-?" I asked quietly, walking over and opened the window. The owl dropped the paper onto the small table under the window and started clucking angrily for it's pay.

"You're really anxious, aren't you?" I asked, grinning a bit and giving the owl it's pay before closing the window after it flew off.

I sighed softly and headed over to the table with a small mug in my hand. I grinned a bit at it... Lily had given it to me for Christmas a few years ago, 'Little Red Riding Hood, and the Big Bad Wolf' was printed on the front. And a wolf with a granny's nightgown was grinning toothily at me. A bit of a pun that had sent Sirius and James into hysterics for more then one day.

I glanced down at the paper in my pale hands and what I saw made the mug drop onto the ground and shatter, the white of the mug littered all along the floor. I didn't bother to pick it up, and I didn't trust myself with a wand at the moment.

There was a big picture... of a house with a dark mark over it. I knew that house too well... It was the same house we had all had Christmas in a long time ago, the house that was littered with small toys for Harry. But that house I saw... was now in ruins. I forced myself to read before panicking, even though I knew the worst I assumed was probably correct.

What I had read nearly made me pass out, I shakily grabbed the chair that I had been going to sit in, as though scared the floor would fall beneath me. I sat down and fourced myself to take a deep calming breath. It wasn't good to have stress, especially because the full moon was only one short day away.

After reading through the whole thing it took me a few minutes to register what had happened.

Voldemort had found Lily and James...

Lily and James were... dead... gone forever...

... and Harry was alive

The boy... the little one year old child I had come to love, the child with the rosy cheeks that looked like James' clone except for his beautiful emerald eyes. The baby I had been bouncing in my arms and laughing as he had attempted to grab my nose...

the child named Harry... had lived through a killing curse.

And Voldemort... was dead...

And Sirius...

no...

Please no... please let it have been a mistake... a misreading of some sort...

Sirius wouldn't have! He couldn't have done it! James was his best friend! Sirius was our best friend! We trusted him beyond all matters and he... he...

Silently I put his arms on the table and buried my head into them.

Not much later Sirius was found...

Not by the ministry...

Oh no... that wouldn't be sane enough... of course there had to be some drastic twist to this already twisted tale...

He was found by Peter...

He had screamed that Sirius betrayed James and Lily... right before Sirius had blasted him into little bits, along with twelve muggles and a wizard that had taken the wrong choice and wandered outside to see what had happened...

The ministry got to him later though... Sirius was later taken to Azakaban for life without a trial.

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So that's it... James and Lily were gone... murdered and betrayed in so many ways. They were taken from their son and their future they had wanted together so much. And only by a cruel twist of fate that seemed to hate us all.

Sirius was taken off to Azakaban without a trial, put into a jail cell for life without a chance to tell them what had happened.

And Peter was... Peter was...

Peter was alive, and the truth came out soon enough.

So now I'm here... sitting alone in a room and staring at a fire. It seemed like so long ago that we had been told to go to the ministry and Sirius had put his foot down. I knew sure as hell he would go to the ends of the earth to protect Harry. I wanted to tell him that he had to stay there, but I knew Sirius better then anyone there, I knew he would go no matter what we said or did to stop him.

Sometimes, even now... I still blame myself. I mean... how could I not? I could have stopped it all...

So we arrived there, we fought... and so did Sirius. I saw him...

That jet of light that struck him in the chest... that spell that had pushed him through the veil. For a quarter of a second everything had gone silent, or maybe it was just in my head playing tricks on me. Time seemed to slow down and I forgot that I was supposed to be fighting.

"No..." I whispered, so quietly.

No... not Sirius...

James... Lily... I can't lose Sirius...

I heard Harry shout and start running over, I snapped out of my daze quickly.

I knew Harry was well enough like James that he would go running through that veil if that's what it took to save Sirius, or prove he wasn't dead. I ran as fast as I could and was relieved when I was able to grab him.

Harry struggled hard and fast, trying to break from my grip. I made sure to hold him tight until it sunk in. I didn't know if it would ever sink into myself... but I knew Sirius wasn't coming back through that veil.

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So that was it... James and Lily murdered... Sirius fell into his death during a battle... and Peter had joined as Voldemort's own little rat.

I had never felt more alone in my life... well I had...

Werewolves are damned... damned to live a lonely and scarred life... I should know that more then anyone.

It's funny... how life treated me like shit until I found great friends. I don't know if I had been more grateful in my life for my friends and that time at Hogwarts where I was actually accepted, got good grades, and wasn't shunned or hated... well at least not because I was a werewolf... more because I was Gryffidor and they were Slytherin.

Back when I was a kid... I sometimes felt I had no existance...

I lived in a glass bubble away from everyone else... and it didn't take much to break that bubble and leave me so vulnerable it hurt. Just a simple word or so "Monster" being one of the few... more tame things they had called me.

But my friends... they treated me like an equal... they somehow manadged to make the word 'Monster' seem more like something under the bed then what I had become.

They manadged to fill that hole in my heart... and make that bubble dissapear.

And then... of course... I lose all of that faster then I could even think and register... and that bubble is back, stronger then ever and breakable to the smallest touch.

What's more funny... I actually was able to laugh properly when he was sill alive, the fun times returned to me and we grinned even though of the madness going around us.

Bitter fate loves to tease me... to give me something good to tear away again...

"So, lucky me... I'm back where I started." I muttered to myself, shocked to even hear my own voice.

Even though I am only in my mid-thirties my hair is greying from the strain and pressure of everything around me, not to mention being a werewolf took a tole out of me pretty easily. My voice was soft and quiet, as though I hadn't spoken in ages beyond ages, which was true. I hardly spoke to anyone now.

"Huh?" Answered a voice, coming down from the hallway.

I blinked and looked over at the girl that had come to stand in the doorway.

Tonks.

"Hello Tonks..." I said, looking over at her.

Tonks walked over to me, sitting down next to me a bit too close to be just friendly.

I had known this was coming... I had known for a long time. Tonks seemed to smile at me a lot more often, and her eyes were often looking at me when I was looking somewhere else.

"Remus I-"

"Stop." I muttered softly, sighing and staring at the ground as I leaned back onto the couch. "I know what you're going to say..." I added.

"But Remus... I-I really do care about you... I really believe that I-"

"Tonks..." I repeated again.

"-love you..." Tonks finished, still looking at me with reproachful eyes.

I shook my head "Tonks... there are far to many things that you should be doing... you deserve a lot more then me. I'm too old for you-"

"Not much older, you're only in your mid-thirties."

"I'm poor-"

"Why would I care about money? I can work and you have enough on your plate."

"And I'm a monster." The word stung on his tongue like acid. But it hurt worse now, knowing it was true.

Tonks looked at him sadly "Remus... you're not a monster... You're a werewolf... but that doesn't matter to me!" She said.

"I'm dangerous... it doesn't matter what your view on it is, either way I'm dangerious."

"I don't care! You're not dangerous! Only on a full moon." Tonks said, reaprochful.

I still didn't meet her gaze. Why would she love me? Is this just another trick fate has brought apon me to make me suffer?

Or did she not see how horrible her life would be with me around her?

I was scared enough with the Marauders around during the full moon, scared they wouldn't transform in time... or I would lose all control and hurt them badly. Scared that if the school found out... they would be in danger...

"Tonks... listen to me..." I said again, this time turning to look at her with my eyes firm. "You don't deserve me... you deserve someone who wouldn't be a risk of killing you." He said simply.

Tonks looked at him sadly as though her heart had been squeezed into the size of a cube and then shredded and burned. "I-" Words seemed to fail her so she started again. "Remus, I-" She said, her voice near pleading for him to listen... to understand, but I had already left.

My heart hurt too much...

I didn't think I could take anymore pain.

Fate hates me so... to tease me with such caring that I have so long longed for, but was denyed with a single word... 'Lycanthropy' 'werewolf' 'monster' all pretty much the same in their meaning.

My heart is merely made of glass... shattered too many times so the shards cut me from the inside. Slowly being able to be glued back together, the glue slides and my heart is no longer a heart...

Just something only a werewolf would have for a heart... a mix of glass shards and glue... a grosque shape that is still tearing at me from the inside.

But if it broke again... nothing would be able to put it back together ever again. I would be torn apart... leaving nothing but an empty and heartless person behind.

I used to think I deserved love... a kind touch and a shoulder to cry on every once and a while... someone to help glue my heart back together...

But fate has already proved their point...

"Sorry, Tonks..." I muttered softly, looking back over at her before looking back at the door infront of me. Picking up my battered and torn cloak I leave what might've been my only chance of survival behind... along with a broken-hearted girl...

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Yeah... well that's it xD

Please review... because you know how much I love you guys -big puppy eyes- I went back and added MUUUUCH more to it xD. And this time it's ALLLL in first person. I just relised how many mistakes there had been... I was suprised you were able to read ANY of it...


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